A Needle in a Haystack...

Do you ever find yourself in one of those depressing, reflecting moods? Where you want to look back over the years of your life, however short it may be, and decide where you were when you made all the wrong decisions that resulted in the issues you fight so desperately today? Like looking down one of those wooded paths you would picture a ring wraith racing down in a Tolkien novel but instead of a black cloaked pursuer, you see something even scarier: your stupid past self.

The untouchable you, the arrogant you, so convinced that the world ruined you and only you, and therefore was indebted to you. The people around you, especially those who knew you back then, should understand that any character flaws, any serious issues you have, they're the PAST You’s fault and, well, they're just going to have to deal with them.

Truth be told, past Ben was far more productive than present-day Ben. A short list of his accomplishments include:

Becoming a master of insecurity, getting caught shoplifting, getting summoned to court nearly half a dozen times for refusing to respect even the easiest of requests from authority, being a master liar, being a manipulator, being a smoker, being a fighter, being a twisted and broken down excuse of a son/brother/(ex)boyfriend/friend/leader in ministry. He opted out of jobs just because of immaturity, he wasted large portions of his life playing video games (and even utilized his mastery of lying and manipulating to get the opportunities for that), he lied his way into a job he didn't deserve only to get paid a lot of money to do pretty much no work before he left them high and dry without several thousand dollars he received for doing nothing, and worst of all, he all but denied the existence of God.

Current day Ben has at least convinced himself completely of the existence of God, but other than that, merely achieved a position of leadership, 1/4 of a degree in theology and a few songs credited to his name. And, to my everlasting regret, escape from only a few of past Ben's titles and achievements.

Do you ever find yourself feeling this way? Looking back, and even around you in some cases, to see all of what you did and how it has ultimately effected you? Past Ben still hurts people, and I really don't have any good reasons to justify it; this is huge considering that I'm a master of justification.

I'm feeling that way today. And I'm looking through every song in my iTunes and even thinking of every song I know, hoping that I will find one to take hold of this weakened version of myself and stand him back up on his feet, push his fists back up in the air and remind him to keep fighting because somewhere at some point something has to give way, and past Ben won't do this anymore. Past Ben won't keep showing himself in the worst ways at the worst times and hurting the dearest of people... But I'm afraid that today, finding that song is like finding a needle in a haystack. Which is a hard thing to admit for somebody who loves music so much.

So it's at times like these, when I can't find a song to remind me to fight, that I write one in hopes that someday, somewhere, somebody else feels this way... and maybe the needle I make will be easier to find.

A song that asks God if things would hurt so much less if I had just never even told him that I knew he was there. If I never even told him I loved him, could I have found something else? I would have never had past Ben, so maybe I wouldn't look back and be so upset if I had just never chosen to change in the first place. I know that it's illogical, and of course I still love God, and of course the song will solve itself. But Job got to ask God - Old Testament God, no less - What the deal was or if everything was his fault. Sometimes the best therapy for us or for others is to question God’s intentions or how much better or worse things would be if he just quit meddling! This is, of course, an exaggeration to make a point, a hyperbole if you will.

Maybe the words in the riddle before the answer are whats important to somebody someday. Maybe the beauty in the question is what comforts sometimes, and the answer only holds the reality we need to leave the comfort behind. If my lyrics ever find somewhere else to reside (away from a simple blog with only a handful of followers), then maybe the song I’ll post about today will help bring that comfort they need that day and, Lord willing, the reality they’ll need from that day on.

I'll post a video of the song in a couple of days, I still have to finish the “needle”. In the mean time, I'll leave you hanging with a verse from 1 Peter. A verse that’s been encouraging me a lot lately and giving me peace in the most frustrating of predicaments.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

-Ben