Monday, July 19, 2010

Mediocrity.

To be mediocre...

I remember writing a blog a long time ago about the mediocrity of myself and of all worship leaders and ministers. I remember preaching a message even, where I reminded everybody about their mediocrity. The fact that those who achieve great things as well as those who die paupers, all live and breath by the grace of God. The most successful of pastors, or those who stumble and mislead - accidentally or otherwise - a hundred times. They are all mediocre and merely achieve by the grace of God.

I've written or finished about 12 songs... Which isn't a lot. Around in my head are probably another 500 that I want to tie together but just don't ever find the time or the drive. I don't think writing a song is the hard part, I think that finding the 25-50 lines floating around in a sea of broken sentences is. We just need the right timing and the right passion to grab them out. It's like fishing with your hands...

I've been offered an opportunity to open for Leeland, a national act. An opportunity that a lot of people work for, but it just fell into my lap. Not because I deserve it, since feeling like I don't is the reason I'm writing at almost 3AM, but because God has given it to me. Maybe somewhere I think I do deserve it, but I feel far more intimidated than I feel accomplished.

People tease me a lot and tell me I play the humility card well. I constantly find myself assuring them it's not a card and it's not humility it's just... being intimidated. I guess I'm seeing 2 other bands perform who have made a name for themselves and I look like the kid who got there because of connections. I'm afraid I'm generic and overall unimpressive. This doesn't mean I won't play my heart out, it just means I'm afraid I'm forgettable in the long run. Mediocre.

But I spoke to my girlfriend earlier this evening and she made me think about the positive characteristics of that notion. I mean of course she encouraged me and told me I most certainly wasn't and that I would do splendidly and all of those other awesome things a girlfriend says (thanks d.morrow). But after I considered it further, from a less negative idea, I thought about how it might be good; being forgettable, being mediocre.

Maybe if I'm completely mediocre and completely forgettable I'm more efficient at exemplifying the ministry that I hope to. I always write about the presence of God, the beauty of God, the idea of being near him and set free by his glory... so I kind of write like most christian artists... but anyway, maybe I can actually be good, by being mediocre? I mean of course I shouldn't be down on myself... but maybe by recognizing inferiority I can better reflect God's superiority? God always uses those who realize they're weak.

In one of Paul's last epistles before his execution (1 Timothy 1:15) he told Timothy: ... "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst." Paul wasn't trying to be down on himself, but in recognizing he was weak and ultimately expendable, he was being a tool for Christ to effect every generation from then until Christ's return.

John the Baptist told his followers (John 3:30) "I must decrease, he must increase." This is to say, that there is no choice, it is inevitable. A decrease MUST occur and an increase MUST occur. John merely made the decision that it would happen by willing submission instead of natural force.

All of this to make one point... Maybe this concert isn't so much an opportunity for me to look down on myself or even great in the eyes of others, as much as it is a reminder and an opportunity to decrease in order for Christ to increase.

So that's exactly what I'll do. I will submit to Christ in all things, and in this concert I will allow my mediocrity (be it obvious or not) to be a means by which God increases the effectiveness of my ministry.

Whether I am the worst of all sinners or the greatest of all saints, I am still a human in need of submission to Christ.



Thursday, July 15, 2010

For a Special Someone...


One of those days. This song means something to me and it cheers me up I guess. This is how I try to handle things. I just wanted to post a blog that means something to me, and will hopefully make a special someone's day a lot better too.

I apologize for singing too loudly for the mic in a few parts and it decided to skip in it's sound a couple of times for some reason. Also, note the vibrations of the phone on the table. hah. Here it is regardless.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I have nothing...

Winston Churchill once said:

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."

That's kind of what I'm feeling right about now. The Bible tells us that victory is the Lord's. Though at this moment I'm feeling like victory is the furthest thing from me. Tearing at what feels like the fabric of my soul is this burning question of whether I'm doing the right thing. Everything inside me knows that I am, that I'm seeking God's desires for me whole heartedly and I know that everything I'm doing will someday bear fruit. But there are days when I stare off into the distant horizon, the "hills" as one might call them, and I see no help... I find no victory.

As I was writing my first paragraph, I thought to myself that whole "Victory is the Lord's" line. It's so simple: our own microwaved accomplishments and success. Right, right, it's not THAT easy. But any good linguist of Christianese will tell you it is...

But as I considered that it wasn't THAT simple, and the quote by Winston Churchill, I recognized that in giving everything I had away, I found myself weaponless in the battle for my well-being. I have nothing left. What does blood, toil, tears and sweat do for us? It merely shows that we've given all the tangible things we have... And maybe that's exactly the point... Maybe weapons don't win a war... Maybe in the long run, sacrifice does

"Victory is the Lord's." The Lord's... not mine. This is to say, I do not earn or achieve or win victory, but I share in it. The United States (and its allies) won World War II. I did not achieve that victory. I was not present for it. I did nothing to attribute to its being had, primarily due to the fact that I wasn't born (in fact, neither was my father). But I share in it now... Through the sacrifice of limitless men and women. Without their sacrifices in every single battle, nothing is won. We would see no victory, we would have no hope, no freedom... Here, after the battles, after the sacrifices of many, we share in the benefits of the victory we were not a part of winning. Victory is the Lord's. And in the same way that Victory came to the allies but wars and violence continued to this day, so to I share in the victory of the Lord and will continue to face struggles and pain. And each victory will be earned by the sacrifice of myself.

I fight endlessly, tirelessly and frivolously and I achieve nothing, it is only in my admitted defeat and lack of success that I gain any true ground...

Victory is the Lord's: an encouragement? Or a reminder? I think it's a little bit of both...

My weapons and attempts achieve nothing, my sacrifice wins everything.

"The angels shout...
The Demons bow...
We your children stand in awe...
The strongholds break...
Creation quakes
Singing: 'victory is the Lord's!'..."