Daffodils and Fires.

I was listening to Dave Barnes on the way home last night. In one of his songs he writes:

"Words can be

Daffodils

Or a fire in

An open field..."

I thought of this for a while and considered it with the old Proverb from the Bible:

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. (Proverbs 12:13).

Other translations simply say "those who love it will eat it's fruit." Which isn't to say "oh look out you're gonna get it if you open your mouth!" it means what you speak, be it good or bad, can effect future experiences in turn.

For those who know me, I am quite the pessimist to a fault. A trait I am trying desperately to fix. I speak death or negativity a million times a day. There are few conversations I'm involved in that don't in some part consist of "but what if" or "well, yes. Buuuut..." or "no that's not fair" or "that's ridiculous" or "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" (oddly enough, I can apparently hear the stupidest thing I've ever heard several times every day) or "seriously?" The list goes on and on. The sad part is, that anybody who knows me won't chuckle and think "what an exaggerator that Ben Rothwell is!" No no, they'll think "shoot. He does say all of those things."

I think this is bad. Rather, I know it's bad. The line in Dave Barnes' song that follows what I wrote before about words being a fire in an open field are:

"I'm sitting here

In the ash

Of stupid words

That I can't take back"

The bridge:

"There's a devil on my shoulder babe

And I believe too many things he says..."

I'm not sure if Dave Barnes just wrote this because if you've heard the melody it's one of the catchiest tunes in the world, or if it's because he and I are very similar, because, I'm sad to say, all of these things are true.

I am quick to judge, I'm quick to insult, I'm quick to presume anybody who says something I disagree with is a moron, I'm quick to be cocky, pompous, stuck up, sarcastic, sardonic, snappy (with a kiss of wittiness) and just down right rude. And as I was driving home last night, I turned off the radio and considered all of the ash I was sitting in. The bridges I had burned, the people I had hurt with the only consideration I ever had being "Well, at least I'm still right." It leaves me wondering how much being right is truly worth when in the end it buys me only the realization that I could have far greater and healthier relationships if I could be less of a pompous jerk and more of a compassionate friend.*

*Let it be noted that this isn't to say that people who have a healthy negative outlook are wrong. I thank God that I can look at things in a logical and thorough way when I need to! My problem is that I do it ALL of the time, not just when it's practical.

Maybe I'm just writing all of this out because I feel guilty, but I hope that it's because the past 24 hours of dwelling on this can fuel some sort of change. The fact of the matter is I'm really, really bad at not embarrassing people and actually living a loving, Christlike life. I don't want this to be the case anymore. I want to be different.

A challenge then: From now on, I'm going to try and speak daffodils instead of fire. If and when you hear me snap out next, remind me to take a deep breath and to remember that I would much rather speak daffodils than fire. Typically I just need to be reminded of things and I can do better... I really want to be compassionate and patient, accepting and loving. There are people in my life that deserve my understanding and my simply being able to let things go. I want to be that person, at least to a greater extent than what I have been thus far.

Anybody game to change this long-time pyromaniac into a gardner? Eh... In the most masculine way of course.