I remember writing a blog a long time ago about the mediocrity of myself and of all worship leaders and ministers. I remember preaching a message even, where I reminded everybody about their mediocrity. The fact that those who achieve great things as well as those who die paupers, all live and breath by the grace of God. The most successful of pastors, or those who stumble and mislead - accidentally or otherwise - a hundred times. They are all mediocre and merely achieve by the grace of God.
I've written or finished about 12 songs... Which isn't a lot. Around in my head are probably another 500 that I want to tie together but just don't ever find the time or the drive. I don't think writing a song is the hard part, I think that finding the 25-50 lines floating around in a sea of broken sentences is. We just need the right timing and the right passion to grab them out. It's like fishing with your hands...
I've been offered an opportunity to open for Leeland, a national act. An opportunity that a lot of people work for, but it just fell into my lap. Not because I deserve it, since feeling like I don't is the reason I'm writing at almost 3AM, but because God has given it to me. Maybe somewhere I think I do deserve it, but I feel far more intimidated than I feel accomplished.
People tease me a lot and tell me I play the humility card well. I constantly find myself assuring them it's not a card and it's not humility it's just... being intimidated. I guess I'm seeing 2 other bands perform who have made a name for themselves and I look like the kid who got there because of connections. I'm afraid I'm generic and overall unimpressive. This doesn't mean I won't play my heart out, it just means I'm afraid I'm forgettable in the long run. Mediocre.
But I spoke to my girlfriend earlier this evening and she made me think about the positive characteristics of that notion. I mean of course she encouraged me and told me I most certainly wasn't and that I would do splendidly and all of those other awesome things a girlfriend says (thanks d.morrow). But after I considered it further, from a less negative idea, I thought about how it might be good; being forgettable, being mediocre.
Maybe if I'm completely mediocre and completely forgettable I'm more efficient at exemplifying the ministry that I hope to. I always write about the presence of God, the beauty of God, the idea of being near him and set free by his glory... so I kind of write like most christian artists... but anyway, maybe I can actually be good, by being mediocre? I mean of course I shouldn't be down on myself... but maybe by recognizing inferiority I can better reflect God's superiority? God always uses those who realize they're weak.
In one of Paul's last epistles before his execution (1 Timothy 1:15) he told Timothy: ... "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst." Paul wasn't trying to be down on himself, but in recognizing he was weak and ultimately expendable, he was being a tool for Christ to effect every generation from then until Christ's return.
John the Baptist told his followers (John 3:30) "I must decrease, he must increase." This is to say, that there is no choice, it is inevitable. A decrease MUST occur and an increase MUST occur. John merely made the decision that it would happen by willing submission instead of natural force.
All of this to make one point... Maybe this concert isn't so much an opportunity for me to look down on myself or even great in the eyes of others, as much as it is a reminder and an opportunity to decrease in order for Christ to increase.
So that's exactly what I'll do. I will submit to Christ in all things, and in this concert I will allow my mediocrity (be it obvious or not) to be a means by which God increases the effectiveness of my ministry.
Whether I am the worst of all sinners or the greatest of all saints, I am still a human in need of submission to Christ.
