A new look...

Frivolity. That's how I've always perceived mundane attempts to regulate or simplify something that is far deeper than the title that we give it. Maturity, leadership, intelligence, spirituality, religion, godliness, righteousness.

It's not that I'm a cynic and that I refuse to believe that these things are important or measurable. Of course they're important, of course we can measure them. However, there has been a subject that has come up lately that I have chimed in on - admittedly when I should have kept my mouth shut - that has caused far more grief than I intended it to: purity contracts.

See, Pastor Michael wants to do a sermon series on relationships (all relationships, not just opposite sex kind). The mention of purity contracts came up roughly immediately. See, I don't have any issue with purity contracts at their heart.

I understand that resolutions on paper represent something deep, and I understand that, at the heart, these are noble and beautiful commitments.

I feel that these contracts have been used in the past as propaganda and tools for fear and guilt. That people have signed them because they felt that, well, if they didn't, then they were sinners, unclean or condemned.

My fear was not that Michael would consider a purity contract, but that it would immediately be affiliated with what it has been identified as in the past. People would look at us as crazy people concerned only with whether students were having relations earlier than they should (this is NOT to say that that isn't an issue).

I began to wonder. Why don't we do salvation contracts? drug contracts? cursing contracts? anger contracts? Why don't we commit ourselves consistently and so honorably to things that infect our society just as deeply as premarital sex?

I decided that after a couple of instances where I was a Debbie Downer and, undoubtedly offended people, that I would seek a solution. Before I post said solution, I wanted to take a moment to write to the people that I may have offended either during this post or in past conversations:

Dear offended people (not patronizingly, sincerely),

I love you and I apologize for offending you. I respect the noble cause that you care for and I love your passion and desire to fight for something so Biblical and so just as physical purity. I apologize if what I said implied that you were wrong or that there was no point in what you wanted. I only feared that maybe we would cause people to feel that grace, redemption, or compassion took a side seat to this contract. That by signing a piece of paper they were therefore reserved and thusly purified. It's not that I don't want people to sign them or strive for purity, quite the contrary, I just wanted to find a way to do it that would be greater than just "sign this because it's right", as the idea is often misunderstood. I do sincerely apologize for having made you feel the way that I'm sure I made you feel. I'm not a jerk and I'm not heartless and I do love people. Sometimes I just don't put forth the effort you deserve into thinking about the things I say. I hope that you can forgive me and that we can unite our beliefs to accomplish the same end, and more.

Sincerely,

Ben

Anyway, back to my idea... As I considered it this is the idea that I came up with - something similar to a purity contract, but then a little bit more: A Relationship Contract (the name might need some work...). Something that the individual signs for several things - a list of things.

Signed to signify a commitment to live your relationships, all relationships (especially with the opposite sex) with: holiness, Christlikeness, love, compassion, grace, patience, understanding, wisdom, clean speech, clean habits, free of alcohol and drug abuse, prejudices, hatred and ungodly temperament, leadership, maturity and servanthood... and especially with purity.

In short: a contract to serve Christ in our relationships with purity and more than just purity. Maybe it's a little much and maybe I'm stretching too far and making a big stupid deal out of nothing. But I'm tired of us beating people over the head with one REALLY important thing they don't do instead of encouraging them to do the one REALLY important thing they're supposed to: live Christlike

Sing Me a Song

I have NO idea how to make the video sync up correctly. I wish that I did. If somebody knows, let me know how and I'll fix it. Thanks!

Somebody requested the lyrics to the song I was talking about. I will write them below.

The world is deep and I am drowning
The weights become too much to bear
Inside my heart there is a longing
To be set free from my despair

In a world consumed by passion
And driven by the thing's I hate
I find myself longing for your presence
I find myself longing to escape

And so I ask

Sing me a song
Sing me a song
When I'm broken and I'm alone
I pray you'll sing me a song
Daddy won't you sing me a song

Peter walked upon the water
Isaiah spoke the words of God
Is there such grace for me a child
Who has made you to bear his cross

Because I have taken all you've given me
And I have thrown it to the ground
I have squandered all your mercy
I have thrown away my crown

But still I ask

Sing me a song
Sing me a song
When I'm broken and I'm alone
I pray you'll sing me a song
Daddy won't you sing me a song

Because I have run
So far from you
And I have hidden
From your truth
With all I've done
So little... So little remains

But all I am, while broken
Is still all that you've created...
While this music is my soul
Your voice is the melody that defines it

Sing me a song
Sing me a song
When I'm broken and I'm alone
I pray you'll sing me a song
Daddy won't you sing me a song

Hope Unstoppable

I've found myself obsessed with a particular artist lately. More precisely, a particular song by a particular artist. The name of the song is Invictus.

Invictus isn't a real word technically. It does have a few historical uses though.

The first being a name of a Sun god to certain Roman societies. That fact is completely irrelevant.

The real reason that the artist named the song Invictus is in reference to a poem by William Earnest Henley in the 1800s. Henley had been forced the idea of Christianity since a young age and over time became fed up with it. He wrote the poem invictus to state that "my fate is my own".

This song Invictus is intended to contrast the idea. The author pursuing the idea that fate is not his own, no matter what feelings of hatred or hurt he may house deep within the bowls of his artistic existence.

The author long before writing this song was the lead singer of a successful Christian band. A band that could have been overwhelmingly successful had they ridden the explosive wave of Christian-ska music around 2000-2002; they never grew as large as their fellow-genre members because they refused to do what they called "sell out". "Selling out" in their terms simply meant refusing to play secular shows. The members reportedly saying "If we had stopped doing secular shows it would still be music, sure... but it wouldn't be ministry. And it certainly wouldn't be our calling".

Cursed to walk the line between a Christian fad and a secular phenomenon, Five Iron Frenzy would rise to its peak and ultimately die away with one of the greatest cult-followings in recent music.

During the time of the lead singer's career with FIF, he experienced all kinds of death and despair. His fiance abruptly ended their long relationship. Shortly thereafter, his best friend passed away. Through numerous deaths and falling-outs, the lead singer brought himself to say "It seems as though everything I touch dies".

Facing the pain and the burden of what he assumed was due to his dedication to ministry, the lead singer, Reese Roper, forced himself to continue singing and writing music "if only to show the world that God can still exist within pain."

So here I sit. Tears filling my eyes for the what seems the millionth time in less than a week, seeking words to express the many lessons taught with such a compacted testimony and a 4 minute song.

I have found excuse after excuse to create myself a pity party. Forgetting the purpose of my ministry and here was a man who lost and, in some instances, gave, everything only to show people that God was bigger than his sufferings. How far I have fallen from the ideology of Christlikeness. Surpassed by the lead singer of a Pentecostal Ska band who acted, as some people would say, more goofy than spiritual 90% of the time.

A line in the song stands out to me more so than any of the others.

"Hope unstoppable

Sing the morning song

Wake up O' sleeper

The daylight has come."

How obvious his point. In all the things that we are and that we possess, we are fallible. Weak. Breakable. Finite. But one thing that we may possess, when truly rooted as it should be - in God - it is unbreakable... infinite... Unstoppable... It is hope.

This song made me realize that in this world of competition and constant one-upping, we seek to be unbreakable. the best. the most well accomplished and put together. But we can't be those things... Because we are subject to our very nature which is the antonym of all of them... The beauty of hope is in the recognition that God is already those things for us.

Perhaps we are caught up in our pride and our hurt. Perhaps we refuse to except that Jesus could exist within our pain and the only reason we even repeat the same hymns and mantras to ourselves is so that everybody knows that we are vigilant and dedicated in spite of our ordeal, when in reality we curse the God whom we had previously so loved. Perhaps we're scared to go back to the way things were... But God is calling to the sleeper within us, shouting to us: "Wake up! I'm here... When all the world came crashing down and everyone left you alone - I didn't! I mourned with you... I felt the hurt with you..." Perhaps that is what we need to realize.

I have forsaken my responsibilities as a worship leader. As a child of Christ. I have lead a life of pompous knowitallism and self-recognition. Riding the coat tails of my talent to the altar of worship, carrying my burdens along for all to see the pain which I've so "righteously" endured.

God has change that. This song has helped. I've changed my perspective. I've apologized to my band. And, with God's help, I plan to revolutionize the way worship is done. I hope you're ready.

I could do a video of myself singing the song. I thought about it once or twice. But I want you to be able to close your eyes and feel the weight of the words that come from the rawness in Reese Roper's voice. This is a song done by his side project Brave Saint Saturn several years after his former band broke up.

This is Invictus by Brave Saint Saturn. I hope it destroys your perspective in the same way it did mine.

Christmas Time!

One of my favorite holiday songs from an old Rothwell tradition. Just getting warmed up for my Christmas gig tomorrow!

No Title?

I really need to write another blog.

A Needle in a Haystack...

Do you ever find yourself in one of those depressing, reflecting moods? Where you want to look back over the years of your life, however short it may be, and decide where you were when you made all the wrong decisions that resulted in the issues you fight so desperately today? Like looking down one of those wooded paths you would picture a ring wraith racing down in a Tolkien novel but instead of a black cloaked pursuer, you see something even scarier: your stupid past self.

The untouchable you, the arrogant you, so convinced that the world ruined you and only you, and therefore was indebted to you. The people around you, especially those who knew you back then, should understand that any character flaws, any serious issues you have, they're the PAST You’s fault and, well, they're just going to have to deal with them.

Truth be told, past Ben was far more productive than present-day Ben. A short list of his accomplishments include:

Becoming a master of insecurity, getting caught shoplifting, getting summoned to court nearly half a dozen times for refusing to respect even the easiest of requests from authority, being a master liar, being a manipulator, being a smoker, being a fighter, being a twisted and broken down excuse of a son/brother/(ex)boyfriend/friend/leader in ministry. He opted out of jobs just because of immaturity, he wasted large portions of his life playing video games (and even utilized his mastery of lying and manipulating to get the opportunities for that), he lied his way into a job he didn't deserve only to get paid a lot of money to do pretty much no work before he left them high and dry without several thousand dollars he received for doing nothing, and worst of all, he all but denied the existence of God.

Current day Ben has at least convinced himself completely of the existence of God, but other than that, merely achieved a position of leadership, 1/4 of a degree in theology and a few songs credited to his name. And, to my everlasting regret, escape from only a few of past Ben's titles and achievements.

Do you ever find yourself feeling this way? Looking back, and even around you in some cases, to see all of what you did and how it has ultimately effected you? Past Ben still hurts people, and I really don't have any good reasons to justify it; this is huge considering that I'm a master of justification.

I'm feeling that way today. And I'm looking through every song in my iTunes and even thinking of every song I know, hoping that I will find one to take hold of this weakened version of myself and stand him back up on his feet, push his fists back up in the air and remind him to keep fighting because somewhere at some point something has to give way, and past Ben won't do this anymore. Past Ben won't keep showing himself in the worst ways at the worst times and hurting the dearest of people... But I'm afraid that today, finding that song is like finding a needle in a haystack. Which is a hard thing to admit for somebody who loves music so much.

So it's at times like these, when I can't find a song to remind me to fight, that I write one in hopes that someday, somewhere, somebody else feels this way... and maybe the needle I make will be easier to find.

A song that asks God if things would hurt so much less if I had just never even told him that I knew he was there. If I never even told him I loved him, could I have found something else? I would have never had past Ben, so maybe I wouldn't look back and be so upset if I had just never chosen to change in the first place. I know that it's illogical, and of course I still love God, and of course the song will solve itself. But Job got to ask God - Old Testament God, no less - What the deal was or if everything was his fault. Sometimes the best therapy for us or for others is to question God’s intentions or how much better or worse things would be if he just quit meddling! This is, of course, an exaggeration to make a point, a hyperbole if you will.

Maybe the words in the riddle before the answer are whats important to somebody someday. Maybe the beauty in the question is what comforts sometimes, and the answer only holds the reality we need to leave the comfort behind. If my lyrics ever find somewhere else to reside (away from a simple blog with only a handful of followers), then maybe the song I’ll post about today will help bring that comfort they need that day and, Lord willing, the reality they’ll need from that day on.

I'll post a video of the song in a couple of days, I still have to finish the “needle”. In the mean time, I'll leave you hanging with a verse from 1 Peter. A verse that’s been encouraging me a lot lately and giving me peace in the most frustrating of predicaments.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

-Ben

Speechless...

I know what you're thinking: "How can a blog be called speechless but still contain words?" Well I'm afraid I have no answer.

I suppose the primary reason that I called it that is due to my inability to formulate a reason as to why I'm even on here right now, bothering to write a blog.

I'm lying on my bed and listening to the sound of an air conditioning unit on the other side of my door. My hands are sort of jittery, and I'm not sure why, and I am overwhelmed by a sense of fear that I can't even explain. Not only can I not explain it, I have no idea where it's coming from.

A fear of inadequacy and neglect, stemming from, as far as I can tell, nothing. Just sort of... there.

The more I think about things, I ponder to myself: if there was one thing I could fix what would it be? Would it be the feeling itself? or would I fix the fact that I have so much trouble coping with it? I know I'm better than this. But Lord knows I can't be convinced right now. I need some music.

I wish so badly I could write right now, but I'm kind of speechless. I guess I'll just play some melodies until it goes away. Until God readjusts my perspective. :)

-Ben